I am about you

"Please help me. I want to die. I don't want to live anymore." I blurted out, pleading with the faintest idea of what I was asking for. 

I was disturbed. My business went bankrupt, I had a huge loan on the house and worst of all, my daughter eloped with a boy during all this mess.

"Sit son" guru ji said, his eyes closed, not a fold on his forehead.

I sat down on the ground, with my hands on my lap following the rest of the disciples. Next to guru ji us was a small boy of around six years of age. Guru ji nodded looking at him and he got up and left for the forest. In a short while he came back with an apple and an earthen pot and gave it to guru ji. Guru ji smiled and kept them next to him before returning to his sadhna. 

"Time for a break" he said.

It was strange to hear him say that right away as I sat down, but I didn't question and got up. To my surprise, I was the only one who was standing. Guruji and the rest of the disciples were still sitting on the ground. Feeling stupid I sat again quickly.

Then they hummed 'Om', and copying them I started humming with my eyes closed. I had a lot on my mind and the harmonics added no magical cure. I opened my eyes within a few seconds and watched others.

I noticed a few others had also stopped humming and they had opened their eyes. They drank what looked like holy potion from their own earthen pots and ate apples and pears. Perhaps that was practice I thought and got up to pick the apple and the earthen pot I thought was meant for me. 

The little boy who was sitting with Guru ji shook his head and kept his finger on his lips. It was interesting how he sensed my movement with his eyes closed. I went back and waited with the rest of the disciples.

My feet were hurting, I had changed positions and I was feeling sleepy. I tried to hold back my yawn in order to not disturb the rest. It took another twenty minutes for all of them to finish. They too helped themselves with their fruits and the potion. Guruji was last to open his eyes.

"Come with me" he said "let's go for a walk".

I followed him. This is going to be it I thought, I was going to get free from my problems!

The jungle was getting thicker, darker, denser.

"Guru ji, my business went bankrupt and I have a huge loan on the house, worst of all my daughter eloped with a boy during this mess" I told him on the way thinking this would be an appropriate time to tell him.

“Mind the thorns” he said, not answering my questions and walking ahead of me. I noticed the thorns hurt as we were barefoot but my problems overshadowed the pain.

I stepped on a lily that was on our path. “Careful” he said “flowers are rare in this jungle”. I wondered if he had eyes on his back.

We crossed a pebbly stream. The water was cold, perhaps due to the hilly terrain. After a long walk downhill, we came to an open corn field on the plains. There was a secluded hut in the middle of the field. We walked all the way up to the hut.

"This" guruji said, "is where your life changes". 

I tried hard to understand. Nothing made sense.

"But for that, you will have to do me a favour"

"Anything" I said in desperation.

"Son, it is not easy, to do what I am going to tell you"

"Nothing is harder than seeing my daughter run away from her father with a complete stranger" I replied.

"Alright son" he said "Do you see this hut?"

We were right next to it. I wondered if that had a hidden meaning.

"Yes guru ji"

"You will have to spend some time in this hut just by yourself and will only come out when I need you to. Can you do that?"

"What is inside the hut guru ji?"

"Go in and take a look" he said.

I took quick steps and opened the door. Inside the hut there was just one room with concrete floor, concrete walls and a high thatched roof made of mud and hay. It was cooler as it was closed from all sides. But it was empty. It had absolutely nothing. I inspected the corners well. There was nothing to be afraid of.

"Not a problem guru ji" I said.

He smiled "Remember, you will only come out when I tell you to"

What could he possibly do? I was ready for the challenge.

"From the moment you step inside you will not speak" he said.

"Sure, not a problem"

"Ok, go in" he said and I made my way in.

Guru ji locked the door from outside. It was dark in the hut. Pitch dark. I couldn't see anything, no light could enter even through the edges of the door. I got on my knees and feeling the floor with my hands, I made my way to a corner and sat there. It wasn't scary... yet.

Fifteen minutes must have gone past, but guru ji didn't open the door. I sat there hugging my knees and waited. An hour went perhaps and I started feeling sleepy. I don’t know when I fell asleep.

Arvind Kapoor and Srinivas Shukla, my business partners were threatening me to leave. I saw Tejasvi, my wife crying kneeled outside our house. I read my daughter's departing letter. Same horrible dreams haunted me and I got up.

It was still dark and soundless. I could only hear my own breathing. My ears started to ring in silence. I don't know what guru ji was doing to me. I sat up again and thought about different things.

Thoughts ran wild from work, to relatives, to my financial condition, to family. I thought about the television shows, I thought about beaches, I thought about my old school friends, I thought train journeys.

Another hour must have gone. My brain was tired of thinking and went blank. In a few more minutes I was staring at the darkness.

I wasn’t counting time anymore but must have been the afternoon. I was starting to feel thirsty. Was it a test of my thirst? Or maybe control of my hunger? Whatever it was, it was a challenge. I had opted for it and told myself that everything will be perfect if I could pull this off. It was worth a try to end my pains.

I waited. I imagined guru ji sitting outside and waiting for me. Did he have a watch? I didn’t see one on his hand. Perhaps they look at the shades in the sky and make out the time. I wondered how he knew I stepped on the flower. I wondered how the little boy knew I had stood up.

Another hour went past it felt. It must be getting dark by now I thought. Would he be still waiting for me outside? My thoughts turned evil! I hope he hasn't locked me and gone! Or has he? What if he never comes back?

No, I had heard about him from a trusted friend. She wouldn't have lied. She never lied. Or did she? Was she one of my business partner's friend? Could she be my daughter's boyfriend's aquaintence? Who could she be? I wondered.

More time passed, I controlled my hunger. But after a while I couldn’t resist. I got up and felt the cold wall. I moved laterally against the wall towards the door but couldn't reach. Maybe it was on the other end I thought. Now, I went in the other direction. I fumbled around but couldn't get to the door. It was really hard to do anything in this darkness. Now I was in the state of panic. But if I called out, that would be it I thought. No - something in me still said - this is a test, stay. 

I lay down again on the cold floor and within a few minutes I fell asleep again. But this time it was dreamless, yet I woke up suddenly. My head ached as I hadn’t slept properly on an empty stomach. The dark room was taking a toll on me. I sat again holding my head. I don’t know how much time had elapsed and what it would be like outside. I guessed it was night.

My head ache became worse. I needed medication. It was time to give up.

"Guru ji?" I called out. There was no response.

"Guru ji?" I called out louder the second time.

Still there was no response.

I panicked. He seemed to have left!

I yelled louder "GURU JI? GURU JI??" but in vain.

I hoped he wasn’t an impostor. Even the thought was nerving.

I screamed "Help! Anyone?" 

"Help meeee! Help meeeee!!" I cried out loud. But no one responded.

I imagined dying in the secluded hut miles away from any habitation. I had tears. If anything I didn't want to die like this, I thought.

I screamed louder "HELP! ANYONE?" and swayed my hands around running and bumping into the walls, hurting my forehead and feet, dis-balancing and falling.

My headache had increased ten folds. I threw up. I cried. I yelled out for help. But nothing happened. No one came.

I kept on screaming, yelling, shrieking and calling out for help. I must have done that for about an hour if not more. I felt weak and sat down on the floor right next to where I had thrown up.

My vomit smelled and I wanted fresh air. I didn't want to lay on it so I slapped my hands on the floor to feel where it was. Feeling the wetness, I moved away. But now my hand smelled and I wiped it off my clothes. My headache was throbbing now. I lay down and closed my eyes. In a few minutes I was asleep.

I must have slept for long because when I woke up, I felt fresh and my headache had eased. It must have been day by now, I guessed. But inside it was still dark and the place still stank of my vomit. I hoped the door would open and sat again on the floor, hugging my feet. I waited for long, thinking about my wife, my daughter and her friend. I felt angry at her for duping me to be with a stranger. I wondered what my wife must be doing. I was supposed to return in a few days. It had probably been just one day.

I wanted to defecate and urinate but controlled myself as the place already had a revolting smell inside. I stood up and cried out loud help, but no one came.

"I GIVE UP" I screamed hoping that was probably what the old man wanted to hear and would get me out. But there was no response.

"YOU WIN I LOSE" I cried out next, but got no response.

Another hour went past perhaps. I couldn't control it any further as my stomach hurt. I had to defecate. I searched for the corner of the room in the darkness and emptied myself.

The mix of smells was even worse. It was like a jail. No, it was worse than a jail. It was like the dungeons I had read about in the books, and seen in the movies. I wanted to get out. I cried banging the walls with my fist. No one heard, no one came. I was tired, confused, blind, in pain. I slept again.

It was getting hotter when I woke up. Probably mid day I thought. I had got used to the smells now but I needed to urinate. I didn’t care to search for corners anymore and just urinated. A short while later I felt hungry. I shouted again.

“Get ..me ..out ..now! I am hungry!” I screamed.

Eventually I began cursing. I took out the worst I had in me. Yet in vain.

It was becoming a hell. My headache was coming back due to hunger and thirst was drying my throat. I kept gulping my saliva. I wanted to get out immediately.

"GET ME OUT NOW OR I'LL GET YOU IN JAIL FOR THIS" I yelled. "I AM A LAWYER"

Nothing happened, the silence was numbing my ears again and I could feel my temples pulsating.

"I WILL JAIL YOU I AM SERIOUS" I shouted. "GET ME OUT RIGHT NOW" I commanded at my loudest.

"Please get me out" I sat down weeping, begging.

There was nothing to do. I imagined relishing all sorts of food. I thought about the stream that we crossed, it made me even more thirsty.

I had told my wife I would be back in a few days, even she wouldn't be searching for me just yet. I was surely going to die here. I jumped throwing my arms up to see if I could touch the roof. I couldn’t even reach it. It was too high. There was absolutely no way I could get out. I moved around to find the door. I stepped on the vomit or perhaps the pee, whatever it was and banged myself against the wall. I cursed and tried to move around again laterally against the wall.

I found the door! All I had to do now was to open it! It was a thick wooden door that opened inwards into the hut. There were no handles, nothing to hold at all. I pushed it and I could hear the lock dangling. I yelled out banging the door. I cried out for help. As expected, in vain.

I pushed the door harder. It didn’t budge much. I took a few steps back, stepping on the wetness and perhaps the turd. I ran towards the door to break it open with all my force. With my hands in front I reached to it earlier than I had expected, banged my body and fell down on the wetness. It hurt really bad and I was covered with excretions.

I hoped someone would hear me or the banging door and would come for rescue. I lay down and fell asleep again. I had no count of time anymore.

I spoke loudly to myself, screamed and felt tired. I bit my hand. I pulled my hair until it hurt. I banged my head on the floor. I was going insane with hunger. I tore my clothes apart and tried to chew and swallow. But I coughed and vomited it out. I felt tired and fell asleep.

My brain had given up. I saw figures in the room. I spoke to them and they laughed at my state. I tried to punch them but they vanished. I tried to scratch the door with my nails. I broke a nail while doing that. I screamed with pain and anger, fell on the floor and slept. 

I woke up, urinated, screamed, ran around swaying my hands, banged myself against the walls, fell and slept. It went on. I was hungry, thirsty and worst of all now it was getting suffocating without any air. The room became warm and cold at times. And after what felt like a week, I lost the sense of touch or smell. I felt my beard grow. I was going to die here. This indeed was hell.

I woke up one day… or night. I couldn't breathe properly and tried to get up. I didn't have energy left and fell on the floor unconscious. When I regained consciousness, I saw the dark and slept again. My body couldn’t cope up anymore.

No more dreams, no more imagination. My end was near.

One day I imagined the door open. I couldn’t open my eyes and see if it was really a dream. I took a long breath and slept again. In a few moments, I felt intense heat on my eyes as if someone was burning my eyelids. I tried hard to open my eyes as sun rays hurt through. I felt wetness on my face and my body felt cold. I tried harder to open my eyes. I saw him throw the holy potion at me from the earthen pot and made me drink the rest. It was cold, bitter and rough. I coughed the first few times as my body wouldn’t allow anything to go in. Eventually I drank it.

The holy potion in the earthen pot was water. I felt each drop going in, travelling through my body like electricity, waking up the organs. When I came in my senses, I found myself lying next to the stream wearing a saffron gown. I saw guru ji sitting next to me. I still didn’t have the energy to lift myself up. I was breathing fresh air after ages.  

He gave me an apple. I tried to open my mouth but couldn’t. I put all the energy I was left with. My jaw hurt when I tried to bite and chew. It was the sweetest thing I had tasted. It felt better but I was still sleepy. I couldn’t take more than five bites and slept again. 

When I woke up Guru ji was smiling. This time I could lift myself up and sat down. He gave me the remaining apple and I finished eating it.

"Let's go son" he said "you are ready to face life".

It was the simplest and the hardest way I had learnt my lesson. I had just spent four days in the hut. I could see nothing, feel nothing, hear nothing, eat nothing, speak nothing, breathe nothing. I was going to die but I wanted to live. I had never appreciated life so much.

Putting ourselves in problems of our daily lives we forget to live. Our problems are nothing compared to our chance to live. Nothing is worth ending it.

I am not sure about rebirth or life after death, what I am sure about is we have this one life. Death is inevitable and I promise you, it will come. What's the point looking for it then? Why not make the most of what we won't have forever - life itself?

My daughter chose her own way of living her life and she left home because I was against her getting married to the boy she loved. I apologised and accepted both of them as they were. I am a proud grandfather now. I left my business the way my partners wanted and started doing what I really wanted to do. I work in a hospital as a nurse, fixing others. We sold our house for a smaller one.

It didn’t happen all at once, it never does. I faced and fixed problems one at a time focusing on what I had at hand.

Then on, whenever I got time, I visited guru ji. I sat with the disciples together on the magic sand and breathed the magic air, letting go of the little things that bother our minds. With our hands on our laps we traveled in our magic thoughts. We took breaks and hummed the magical "Om", the harmonics of which connected our magical souls. We hummed until we felt relaxed. We drank the holy potion that we filled in our earthen pots from the stream. One sip at a time, realizing its worth. We ate the magic fruit that we bought with us, a bite at a time, feeling and tasting each and every bite. We took one day out of our busy lives to live with just us.

I am thankful to the basic things I have that I need to live with. I can see the sun and this beautiful world each day, I can move around and I go for long walks, I listen to the chirping of the birds and sing out loud with my wife whenever I feel like. I can breathe, I can feel the air, I am lucky to get water to drink and food to eat. 

What about those who are blind or have lost their sight forever? What about those who can't speak and get their pains across? Or those who can't hear a response back? What about those who don't get food to eat or water to drink? What about those who struggle to live every day of their life for the basic needs.

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We are blessed. I can write this story and you can read it. We have food to eat, water to drink, people to speak with and hear us, and we are alive. Be thankful for the beautiful life gifted to you and cherish what you have. Take out some time out from everyday and live with yourself. 

Let everyone live their own life the way they want to. It is their only one chance, like it is yours.

After all, it is our one beautiful magical life.